Communicating Difficult Things with Grace and Love

Every day life brings situations where people have to deliver messages that the recipient might not want to hear. It starts at home with simple clashes in needs like cleanliness, time together, peace and quiet. Maybe it is with a neighbor or co-worker. Rarely are we taught how to do it gracefully and without alienating the other. For that reason we often don´t communicate our needs at all, which harms the relationship nonetheless. While we can´t change the other person, whether they are willing to listen or want to hear about our needs, we can make sure that we do what is in our own power:

1. Be clear on what you want to communicate
It is easy to just blurt it out and expect the recipient to be in fact receiving. We forget that the story is in our head and not all essential parts might come out that explain how we got here. Take a moment by yourself first and go over the message. What is it you want to have the other know and what would you like them to do or not do anymore. Use I-statements to minimize defensiveness.

2. Choose a moment outside of the aggravation
Make an effort to have a relaxed and pleasant conversation and not just meet to vent and dump. Chances are better that way that the other can take it in and think about it.

3. Remind yourself of your own love and sympathy for the other
Stay strong in your message as well as your knowledge that just because you have a difficult subject does not mean you don´t love/like or care for the other person. Things have to be discussed in life. It does not mean that bridges need to be burnt.

4. Be aware of your own history of communicating your needs and be willing to practice
Think about former situations (as far back as you can remember) when you voiced your own needs. What was the typical outcome? Where you heard or shut down? Maybe even punished? The worse your experiences to date the harder it will be to not be nervous and expect a negative outcome. Acknowledge yourself for trying and make use of opportunities to practice as they present themselves, despite of wanting to just let it go.

5. Remember that even if the other gets defensive, it does not mean you are overly demanding or were not heard
While an encounter might end unpleasantly, remind yourself that you tried your best and that your best is not always the same. Renew your commitment to continue to practice and to communicate your needs with grace and love. You learn something from every situation. Sometimes others are just not interested in your needs, which can give you information for further contact and you might decide to change the nature of that relationship.

6. Remember that it is difficult for all of us and nobody likes to get defensive
Being defensive is an awful feeling and is just as unpleasant on the "defender" as it is on the "recipient". After the encounter, continue to think well of the defensive person and try to also see their side. We rarely know all the things another person is going through. It can be a lot or too much. It does not mean you can´t voice your needs, but even if you encounter defensiveness, don´t give up on the relationship and stay open for further communication. Be inviting, loving and caring. A good guiding image is to treat the other like you want to be treated.

It is often a process and is not done with with one talk only (no matter how hard we wish for that to be true). Stand behind your own needs, be considerate of the other side and stay positive.

Good luck!

The Speed of the Body

It always amazes me to watch a little scratch or cut on the skin heal. The body just does it, reliably. Yet, it takes a few days. That is a few days too long for the speed of the mind or also our daily life culture. NOW is the instrumental word for any deadline. We love that word and we are hooked on it. It makes things happen while we are watching and while our mind is still focused on it. We also want it from our body. But at what cost?

Flu season is in full blast. Every time I call my mother in Austria, she gives me a list of people who had the flu. It is part of life. We would get the flu, stay home in bed, drink medicinal teas and sweat it out. To this day it is not much more than having a cold. They still have time to be sick.

At my new home, San Diego, most people take a flu shot, no matter their age or risk factors. Here, we don´t have time to get sick and don´t want to have to stoop to the slow, slow pace of the body putting its pieces together. Even though it reliably does it, but it does not do it fast enough. It is concerning that the body gets so little say in its own processing and in the way it functions. Medicine has become its legal guardian, it does not need a voice of its own anymore.

Pills are fast, surgeries are intense, forming the body in a way it is supposed to be. I wonder how it must be for the body, not being heard and not entitled to its own speed. It must be like having a partner who is a very fast thinker and is always on the go, while you yourself are more the book reading and staying in and cuddle kind of person. Being exposed to excessive speed will sooner or later make you feel wrong,  broken, not good enough. You can try for a while and be faster and more outgoing, but eventually you will feel so down on yourself and low in energy that giving up seems like the only option.

I grew up taking ownership of my health and observing my body`s state on a regular basis. If something was off, we would subscribe ourselves to a medicinal tea cure, which meant preparing and drinking a certain type of tea several times a day for 3 or more weeks at a time, pausing, and repeating it if needed. The body slowly restored itself, aided by the teas healing properties. Sometimes it took temporary dietary changes to go along with it, or making sure to get extra sleep, keeping warm or getting more sunshine, depending on the ailment. We also consulted a Doctor when needed, but not as the only option always.

These experiences are a blessing to me still today. They help me be more patient with my body and more in tune with it. I think it is not about having a good and not good constitution that determines our health. It is about tuning in to our bodies` needs or not. It takes constant vigilance and work to give the body what it needs to function well. But it is very much worth it - and can be fun! I have not had a cold or flu or illness in decades, but I did feel under the weather at times and made sure I slowed down and got extra rest and improved the nutritional value of my food choices. So far, this works well for my body and my mind. And if one day it does not, change will need to happen. No time, I can almost hear to be the argument. Maybe, can´t afford it, as another reason against it. Well, one thing I know for sure: It takes a lot of time to have a severe chronic decease, and it is very, very expensive. Nip it in the bud! And carry on having a good time. It is not about how old we get in life, it is with what quality of life and health we get there.

Loving Yourself - Necessary for Happiness or Decadent?

In time for Valentine´s day I raise the subject of self-love. Maybe this is where love starts, or maybe this is where it ends. It depends on the dosage and on the definition, in part:

Self-love is a term I don´t hear so much in the psychological field as more in the self-help arena. To me it comes mostly down to definition, which is often a good place to start. Translated into psychology I would say that self-love contains self respect, having good self care in place, exercising healthy boundaries, as well as feeling worthy of and going after the raise, starting a family, making room for a hobby (whatever is meaningful to the individual), being the center of attention and such things. These are all components of a balanced life.

The term self-love is interchangeable with all these behaviors, which are building blocks of leading a self designed, conscious life, living with a purpose, being an integrated member of society and dealing with whatever challenges show up in the course of a life time. Self-love is visible as charisma, a sense of calm about oneself, a glow in the eyes, a curious presence when interacting with others.

Then there is another kind of self-love - the one that is excluding and stifling anything else in life: the narcissistic love, of which the definition is "love of itself". It means the complete admiration of one self and blindness to any other aspects of life, like empathy, kindness, graciousness, or even self-reflection. It is often what is talked about and studied in psychology. It does not serve the afflicted or his/her environment. It is not allowing development as a person or living up to a higher moral goal in life. I think this is the kind, for example, Dr. Laura Schlessinger talks about, when she states in her outspoken ways that she never gets up in the morning and says to her reflection in the mirror "I love myself!", that this is counterproductive to being a caring and contributing member of society. It is more self-respect that she strives for and suggests to her callers on her radio program to do as well. To me, self-respect can be interchangeable with self-love.

For many people, who grew up being taught to perform, to not boast, to not take themselves too seriously, to not stick out in the crowd, to be giving selflessly, self-love is an important process of self-discovery. Being gentle with oneself and getting to know ones likes and dislikes, strengths and hopes can lead to a life that is very strong and fulfilling, and contributes much more to a society than self-loathing.

To sum it up, I want everyone to make sure they are conscious of their own definition when talking about terms like self-love, and also make sure to understand the definition of others. Also, please find the kindness of self-love inside and cherish it, making it grow into a healthy self and sharing the goodness of what comes from it.

Happy Valentine´s Day!!

New Year´s Resolutions: Down to the Habits

In my latest column of the Presidio Sentinel (http://presidiosentinel.com/?s=Sabine+Starr) I wrote about the importance of and myths around habits. Below you will find steps to make a habit change a breeze and success:

There is no way around it: In order to change a habit successfully, it needs to be a priority. Setting our mind to something and making that something come true because we are backing up our own decisions is one of the most wonderful experiences in life. It is very empowering and gives us faith in our own abilities and possibilities.

The next important ingredient to incorporating successful habits (or habits successfully) is to make room for general habit maintenance in our lives. Once we decided which habit we would like to incorporate, it takes a while for it to become a habit. During that phase we are generally aware of it and know what is going on. But once we have a habit established, it is well worth it to check in on a regular basis and see how it is going. Habits left unnoticed slip slowly, just below the radar of the daily grind business. I find the time after returning from a vacation particularly precious for checking in with habits. Then it is easy not to pick up some habits that we find undesirable, and we can consciously start up the ones we would like. The end of the year is another favorable time for that activity, when things slow down. The new year is not quite here yet, and the change into a new year makes it the perfect time to leave behind what is no longer needed or desired and to invite in the habits we want to embrace.

It takes boldness and courage to start up new habits. Enjoy being bold and courageous, and success will follow.

When implementing new habits, we need to be adventurous, inquisitive, curious, playful and forgiving. It is a path not yet traveled, so new situations will appear and are best met with the above traits.

During the time of a habit change, but also for life in general, it is most promising to be willing to be honest about what is going on, be aware of contributing factors and be present.

All of these steps make habit change and a conscious life design much fun and rewarding. Please remember, when you are dreading it, trying to squirm out of it or looking for excuses, it is not the way to go. Much rather than that, decide fully conscious to keep the status quo, quit complaining about it and carry out the undesirable habit proudly, until ready for true change. That way, the self does not get undermined and weakened and once the time is right, major shifts and changes are possible.

Wishing you much fun and changes beyond your wildest dreams. Life is a big adventure.

De-Stress and De-Clutter with a Simple Habit

During the first years of self-employment I was constantly stressed. Actually, I was stressed long before that, because in any job you have to be organized and the work load is usually bigger than the days are long. I developed a simple habit that helped me so much to not be stressed and feel productive and be successful. I need to share this and encourage you to try it on for yourself …

Do your days at work start with checking e-mails, often containing things that will never let you return to your originally intended day? It has been my daily experience for a long time. Not only did I not get to what I thought I would, but I also left the office feeling like I did not get anything accomplished, a typical Groundhog Day (the movie) kind of life. On top of that, I never seemed to get to decluttering the office, which made me feel even more like work is going to swallow me alive any day now.

After experimenting for a while with will power (never a good idea, since it is so limited in us humans), I combined a piece of advice from my wonderful coach-friend Kathy and my former professional organizer client (www.thingsinplace.com) and got two problems turned into a mightily empowering success guaranteed feel good tool:

I realized that I needed to accomplish certain things in a day in order to feel good about my progress at the end of each day. Now I take about a minute first thing in the morning (before reading e-mails!) to think ahead and wonder, which 3 things would feel great to have done by the end of the day. Usually they are things that I would like to procrastinate on, out of various reasons. There might be fear, worry involved, or I simply don´t know yet, how I will go about doing something, or even what my opinion on it is.

Every morning I come up with 3 top things. Then I commit to paying attention to them, to getting something done concerning the top 3. Sometimes I put more items down (actually, usually), but I make sure to highlight my top 3, because I want to feel good by the end of the day.

Now comes my second part of this: After using my smart phone (love the Got Milk App, or even just the task list option on my calendar) for this priority list, I got tired of it, since it was still too complicated, because I needed to unlock the phone, press buttons, select app, etc. each time I wanted to check on my list. I like simple. Finally, one morning I looked around my still not sufficiently picked up office and got a glance of my huge supply of post-it notes. The reason I have so many (different sizes and colors) is that it took me a long time to realize I don´t even like using them, I just liked buying them (joke´s on me). Remembering my professional organizer client´s tip to get rid of excess office supplies (I never had the heart to toss them, at least I stopped buying more), I gave them a try for my 3 priorities list.

It works great! Every morning, I use a post-it to write my priorities for the day on it. I even put the date on (it never hurts to get an early morning start on knowing which day we are at). I then place it on any location I like, sometimes the office desk, the computer, my phone, my pocket. I always know where it is, and I look at it often. It is amazing, how it keeps me on track. After each break, I check it and ask myself, which priority I want to tackle now. Sometimes I add items throughout the day. I made it my own little highlight of the day to crumple up the post it and toss it into the room (my cat loves chasing it) once I am done. Each day has become an energetic chase to this moment, it is so empowering and motivating.

I always make sure to honor my commitment to make myself feel good, productive and on top of things. It is so awesome to spend the evening feeling free and well on my way with my goals. No longer do I have the lurking feeling that some of the administrative things pile up and will come back to bite me. I naturally take care of them, one by one with this technique. My coaching practice has since picked up speed, I feel in charge and it is so rewarding.

I have also learned by doing it this way that things I would before procrastinate are always less work/scary/complicated in reality, that it is fun getting to the things that really count.

As always, I don´t expect you to believe me. Try it out and see for yourself. I wish you much productivity, success, fun and freedom (at least freedom from post-its it will be :-) ).

Courageous Decisions

If there is something that I can recommend as a sure way to live an amazing and fulfilled life, it is to make courageous decisions. This has nothing to do with risky behavior. And here is why:

Risky behavior: The rush of adrenaline, escaping the daily grind for just a moment, no matter the consequences or the cost. Now this is not the way to go for a steady increase of life quality and life fulfillment. How can making courageous decisions be then? And what is the difference?

I want to start with my observations of why some of my clients come out of coaching with a life beyond their dreams, while others quit the coaching process early and have achieved little towards their goals that prompted them to come to coaching in the first place. Whereas I have always the same 100 % support and my expertise and positive regard to offer, the outcome is quite opposite.

What´s the difference? There comes a point in the coaching process (as in life in general, for all of us), when a decision has to be made in order to achieve something different from the current outcomes. Einstein defined madness a continuing the same actions while expecting a different outcome. While the quote makes it so obvious, it is done all the time. People want to keep smoking, when they try to quit smoking, for example. That´s the reason they don´t succeed to quit. On the surface they know what giving up smoking means, but they want to continue with the habit, the ritual, not changing anything around it and about it. Again, this is obvious for the observer that it can´t succeed, yet the dynamic is just such: wanting different outcomes without changing anything.

I know from my own few courageous decisions in my life (which set things in motion to change my life beyond my wildest dreams) that there is a phase, when what is is not satisfying anymore. It´s like a piece of clothing that does not fit anymore. Yet is is so familiar a piece of clothing that we don´t want to give up on it at first. But as the dissatisfaction grows, the despair grows, life becomes dark, flat, listless. That is when a courageous decision is needed. It is the sure sign that what ails us can be healed with a realignment with what we are truly about. Somewhere we have left that path without noticing. It is time to set a new course.

Making a courageous decision is very invigorating. We get excited again about the world, people, about who we are, full of liveliness. In the very moment, we make that courageous decision, it is as if we are already there where we decided to go. It is no matter of should or must anymore. We WANT. We can easily do what it takes from then on. We are committed. I love that moment with all of my clients because I know how great they will feel, how much more alive they will be. I am sad for any client who chooses not to go there and does not give himself that gift of a courageous decision. Shady reasons are being mumbled, excuses and logical reasons why not, at least not now. Lack of time and money are the usual ones to be blamed. But it is just a sad excuse. Nothing is worth more than our own liveliness. Nothing. Once we caught on fire for our life, nothing can stop us. Also, we won´t need the adrenaline rush from any risky behavior, once we are on our own unique courageous journey. It is the best journey we could ever choose to be on. I urge you to keep your dream alive and not succumb to lame excuses. At the very least, see them for what they are - excuses - and ask what´s behind them: fear, fear of what? What would be the worst outcome if you tried? Even a failed attempt is so much better than never to try. Baby steps forward are enough. Sometimes it is enough not to go backwards, like using the same excuses as before. Just standing in the middle of the doubt, the fear, just letting it happen can sometimes be beginning of moving forward.

My wish is for all of us to always keep the commitment to ourselves to at least give it a try and take a look at it when it does not feel alive like life itself. Somewhere we left our path, but it is always there to go back on it. And that is when I celebrate with you like with any of my clients. Enjoy your journey!

My Friend Without an Answering Maching

A dear childhood friend of mine could be seen as missing today´s abundance that technology has to offer. She does not use the computer at home at all (only at work). She does not do e-mail, Facebook, or even Google. She only got a cell phone for emergencies since the birth of her children AND her landline at home does not have an answering machine. 

How is this possible? Surely it must be because of missing funds, resulting in disadvantages in life for her. Well, I have never seen a more focused person, never complaining, always happy to see you and stop and chat. Within 4 years, she and her husband have had 3 children (ages 4, 2,5, 1). They also designed, built and moved into their unbelievably beautiful home, including sauna and spa area, guest living area, hosted several friends for days at a time AND opened up their own pharmacy (they are both pharmacists).

I find this the very best example of what focus can get us. It is also a great reminder that modern day life has so many time wasters that we might engage in mindlessly. So, instead of being on Facebook, my friend enjoys hosting her friends in her beautiful home. Instead of spending time on e-mail or engaging in phone tag, my friend communicates directly and sticks to the plans she made with others. With her, you know that she won´t cancel in the last minute because "something else came up". Unless it is an emergency, she will be there. She never engages in gossip either. Rather than doing that, she is interested in whomever she is speaking with. She enjoys running their pharmacy and helping people lead healthy lives.

She exudes a strong sense of presence with everything she does and is not plagued by constantly re-evaluating and deciding. Her husband and her discuss their future plans, then go about reaching them.

If you ask her, she will tell you that it was a little much to have the kids, build a house and move and open up a pharmacy all within a short period of time. But "you are in it and go on with it", she comments light heartedly.

I believe, this was all possible, because they do not have an answering machine. People who are close know when they can be reached. Others would most likely only take away their precious time anyway. Now that is bold, and I like it. I am not ready to disable my answering machine, but I do intend to simplify my phone situation by reducing the number of lines and devices. I did ditch Twitter and Instagram and instead I am checking on our bees in our back yard. Lots of buzz there…..

Finding Your Passion and Sticking to It

When our family dinner got disrupted by two realtors going door to door to introduce themselves to drum up business, my husband and I pondered how hard it must be to do this job. It takes a long and dry road until one sale comes through and results in a pay check for them. I thoughts I could not do this ...

The reason why not is not a lack of abilities but because this is not my passion. Were it my passion and goal, I would not mind the many steps it takes to the finish line. What I am passionate about is my coaching business. A client on her own search for her passion and occupation remarked to me that I mentioned once to her how much I love helping people and that I must enjoy having found what I truly love to do.

This is made me think. I have found it, and I am grateful for it, for I had my own share of high ability/low passion positions (those are hard to leave, since it does not seem logical to do so). We all need that spark and that drive behind what we are doing to make it - not only bearable - but worthwhile, fun, fulfilling. It gives us a feeling of accomplishment, respect for ourselves, we feel balanced and are better at finding balance.

Signs that we are living our passions are:

- getting up in the morning plotting what we will do today and eagerly fitting the pieces together, coming up with new and creative solutions (even in jobs that at first sight seem boring)
- laughing at our own mistakes on the way and quickly incorporating what we have learned from them
- not counting every detour we must take, every do-over, but staying focused on the goal
- loving to share and talk about it if someone asks us to explain what we do, even if its because they are interested and might want to start doing that too
- seeing possibilities to expand, develop further, change
- not counting the hours spent on it, but rather sculpting the outcome and doing what it takes to get there without complaining or trying out shortcuts that are doomed from the beginning
- feeling gratitude for where we are in life and curiosity where it will take us next

I wish you much success in living your passions and hope you don´t give up if you are not quite there yet. Being passionate is an essential part of being. Do not tolerate living passion-less. Go find them and thrive!

A Passion For?

Growing up in rural Austria of the 70ies, I did not hear much talk about passion from parents or teachers. Looking back though, I was already living them from very early on and chances are, so were you. As adults, our passions can help us during days, when things seem difficult or even dire and make us or break us in times of grief and transition …

Sitting on my beloved swing-set, watching snow melting away and snow drops break through the ice, inspired me to come up with my first poem and sang it over and over, so that I remember it to this day. At 13 I won the writing competition in my school. Writing carried me through transitions of moving away to college, break-ups, as well as helped me stay compassionate and yet unattached enough to the sorrows of my 10 000 callers at my my job at a psychology helpline. Yet, it took decades before I became conscious of being a writer and developing that passion further (as in this blog, my columns, published articles).

Another passion of mine showed up in my favorite childhood play, which was helping imaginary customers choose patterns for their homes from my napkin collection (which were the samples). I remember that I wanted to help them be happy with their environment and themselves. Being a psychologist and life coach is the adult translation of that passion to help people be happy with their lives, and a big part of who I am today.

These are two examples of passions showing up early in life and playing key roles throughout the life-span. We all have them. It is as if it is instilled in us and we are happiest if we make them conscious enough to incorporate them into our current lives and continue to develop them.

I have seen stamp collecting carrying people through times of grieving for a deceased parent, cooking and gardening being the only reason for someone with depression to get out of bed, singing help a client overcome stuttering in one case and decrease shyness in another. A friend overcame her "empty nest" with marketing her desired cookies and selling them on farmers´ markets, another one redefined meaning in life after years of infertility treatments by reconnecting with her passion for crafts and opening an online store with her handmade items.

We don´t need to turn our passions into a profitable business or make them even pay for themselves. What they add to our lives is far more valuable than money. They bring balance, fulfillment and meaning to our days short- and longterm and are invaluable times spent in our days.

It can be tempting not to see their intrinsic value and rationalize them away, after all, we are always too busy already. I strongly advise you to make them a priority and make sure your passions have a presence in your life. It may take some time and prompting to reconnect with them, but they will resurface.

Start with 2 questions:
What was your favorite childhood play? What did you want to be as a child, when your grow up?

May the passions run strong in you.

Courage - A Necessary Ingredient We All Have

Unconventional, without compromise, ambitious, or even stubborn have been words used describe me concerning my choices in life. I could subscribe to any of these terms. But one day, a dear friend added courageous to the list. It took me years to see that for myself, because

I grew up thinking that there were fearful people and there were courageous people, and we all just fell into either of these categories. Knowing myself and the many fears and agonies that any of my choices were accompanied with, I was certain I was of the fearful kind.

One day I heard an interview of a person I highly admired - mainly because of their courage. There this person was talking about his fears, and how this admission was often met with surprise. But he stressed that there was no such thing as a person without fear. Courageous people simply acted despite of their fears.

This statement set me free. I felt like my self appointed fear-category persona lifted up into the air. I knew instantly I could be a courageous person. All my choices so far were not enough to make me belief in my courage. It was this simple random statement on a random day.

I started looking for the courage hidden in all of my life coaching clients. I started seeing it everywhere. No matter what their past, their current situation, their outlook on future. Courage is always an option. We can always walk through our fears and thus leave them behind. Experiencing fear does not mean we are a fearful person.

It is such a thrill encouraging people to walk through their fears, head high and truly taking in the courage it takes to do that. It is easy to stay home and not show up for the event, the moment, the choice, the action that we are afraid of. But it feels so great to show up and no matter how the outcome is, we can at least say that we have tried. That alone is such a satisfaction, such honest and strong statement. It creates the basis for decisions in the future. Not showing up makes showing up next time yet a little harder, and so it goes.

Showing ourselves the courage that lies in us is such a moment of feeling alive. Mind you, I am not talking about risking our lives or engaging in any thrilling activities. It can take courage to show up at a meeting alone, to speak up in a group of people, to sing at a karaoke bar (yet to be walked through by me). Whatever it is, I encourage you to challenge yourself ever so slightly and enjoy the act of doing it.

We learn so much about ourselves in situations like that. It feels wonderful. Alive! It has once been said that we have only to fear fear itself. I take that as "Only be afraid of not showing up for your life".

A New Year

Have you ever thought "no more New Year´s resolutions", and then still come up with some, maybe the same ones as the year before? Why is it so compelling to us to come up with a list of desired changes at the chime of the bell at midnight of December 31st?

It is simply fun to come up with a better version of ourselves. The mere thoughts don´t require any commitments, any energy or endurance. Dreams are free, they say. But dreams don´t come true just because. At least not the kind that involves losing some pounds or being more productive.

Why not use the start of a new year this time for deepening the relationship to ourselves? What if we better understood where we are at right now? What moves us, what worries us, what excites us? I don´t always find it that easy to know about myself. It is not something we truly need to find out in order to function in daily life. It is, however, something we need to know in order to create a charmed and fulfilled life. This and other things like "what is one thing I truly want to make happen in this life?", "am I currently doing something towards that?", "what can one step be to take right now?"

Now THAT is a New Year´s resolution that would make a true difference in the course of our lives. Once pinpointed, we can even ask ourselves, where we want to be in regards to this single one very important thing for us by the end of 2014. Then, we can identify steps within that year´s goal and start committing to the smaller steps by certain dates. It becomes tangible and thus doable and real. We can monitor our success, as well as be relaxed, because we know, we are moving towards the ONE thing that really matters to us.

In case you have a hard time deciding what that one thing is for you, imagine you are at the end of your life, having lived a fulfilled and amazing life. What do you just know that had to have been in it for it to be rich and full? Experience it with all of your senses. Get to know details about it, as much as you can. Trust me, whatever comes up - don´t over think it - it is THE thing for you. Your heart knows. All of a sudden it becomes clear.

I dare you to ditch your usual New Year´s resolutions list, and do this exercise. The rest will fall into place. Once we live a fulfilled life, things like extra pounds just take care of themselves. They usually are only there to hold the place for our dreams until we are ready to grab them and run with them. Once we are on our way, we don´t need the extra pounds anymore.

It is also a lot more fun than gritting our teeth and pushing through a list that never was the most important thing in the first place. Who are we kidding? By February we have returned to our same habits, unless it is something of true importance and meaning to us.

That said, I wish you an amazing year 2014. May you run towards your one thing you don´t want to have lived a life without. It is time to make it real.

A Pilgrim for Life

For the third time, my husband and I went on a pilgrimage this summer. For over 1200 years now, the final resting place of the apostle Saint James has been calling millions of people to come to it on foot and experience an outer and an inner journey. Upon arrival in Santiago de Compostela, one question comes to the forefront: how to continue the essence of a pilgrimage once daily life has us back…

After three times I know the feeling of arriving very well. Arriving at our goal that we had for 6 weeks of daily walking - it is a bitter sweet feeling. Happiness of reaching a goal that only started out with one step and hope and faith that all the necessary following steps will be made in good health and good spirit. Sadness, because the focus for the last 6 weeks is no more. It is done. Now what?!

Daily life has a similar rhythm. It is different for each one of us, but it helps to have goals smaller than the obvious milestones in life. That way we have the sense of achievement more often. But simply having a sense of being on a journey is something I find difficult to keep in my awareness, when the daily grind takes over. Yet, I have a true desire to keep the feeling of the pilgrimage alive. It takes a strong commitment to achieve that, in order to be willing to change enough of the schedule around and to make big and courageous changes. Our own habits and default reactions can become like good old friends. We feel safe and know them well. Why give them up? Because sometimes they stand in the way of living a fulfilled life.

Giving them up is necessary if we want different results. For me, striving to be a modern pilgrim in an urban setting, the seductions of city life are a big challenge. The mere awareness of that challenge gives me a big advantage and the possibility to find ways to handle it. I have read a number of books that deal with simplifying life and creating a charmed life. I find them mostly helpful. There are things like decluttering, walking more instead of driving, or even driving less all together by choosing wisely and clustering errands.

With thrifty tasks like that, there is more time to make sure, the spiritual side is also being nourished on a regular basis. Just shortening my newspaper time in the morning and using it for a simple meditation gave me a strong connection to my overall big goals and guidance throughout the day in that respect. With that focus, many unnecessary things fell by the wayside and did not even need to be addressed anymore. Spiritual housekeeping, I call it. Simple and effective. That is the way I like my solutions - for myself, as well as for my life coaching clients. I stand by that, especially since I am trained in science, complicated psychology maneuvers, as well as personality and intelligence test batteries. All of these have their place as well, but when the daily grind takes over and takes the color out of life with its white and black strokes, the simple things are what count and bring back the rainbow colors and the spring in our step.

A Great Tool for Peace of Mind

It dawned on me, when I received a call from the Vienna office that a lady from Germany is urgently trying to get a hold of me and I called her back in gear to help her with my services that she tried to sell me an ad in a journal and their deadline was approaching that neither I nor my office staff in Vienna had questioned who the urgency concerned and had simply taken it on as ours....

how often something similar had happened to me; or better, how often I had let it happen. Since then I am applying a simple but very effective tool to sort things out and return swiftly to my peace of mind:

I take a topic and ask myself in which one of the two main and resulting four categories it belongs:

URGENT/IMPORTANT
These two dimensions are to be determined of any topic. They can show one of four possible assessments:

Urgent YES/Important NO    (U+/I-)
Urgent No   /Important NO    (U-/I-)
Urgent YES/Important YES   (U+/I+)
Urgent No  / Important YES   (U-/I+)

This is a beautiful exercise for logical minds, but also very simple for others, especially for creative thinkers as well.

Let´s go through the options:

U+/I-
Something is urgent, but not important to us. This is the classic sales pitch, or anyone who is trying to involve us in their own drama that they created voluntarily and often are trying to bail on their own responsibility in it.

Often the urgency can be contagious, and we don´t even question if it is necessary for us to get involved and invest our time, energy or resources. It is easy to be pulled out of our own peace of mind, and we are in the middle of something that is not even important to ourselves. It takes some practice, but this is where a good ability to say a clear "no" is invaluable. If it is not coming easy to you yet, practice, practice, practice.

U-/I-
Not urgent and not important. This is the easiest category to shed. We might enter this section out of boredom or if our boundaries are very unclear. Sometimes it can be for recreational purposes, which is fine when sprinkled sparingly throughout our schedule.

U+/I+
Something is urgent as well as important. Clearly, we need to act. The only thing is, it won´t be very pleasant because of the urgency. We are in getting it done mode, maybe feeling a little panicked.

U-/I+
This is where the great stuff happens. Ultimately, we want to shift as much as possible of our life from U+/I+ to this category: taking care of important things, before they are urgent, adds to our life quality and creates tremendous peace of mind. Having mainly things of this category assures that we are moving forward and are having fun.

It is a great exercise to go through a whole day, deciding in which of these categories anything coming our way falls. It is simple to nix anything of the I- category and only keep things that are important to us. That will clear out any schedule up to 80 per cent, in my experience. All the things you can do....

I wish you great fun with this and let me know how it goes.

The Stability of Change

How to feel good and stable in an ever changing world? By finding stability in change itself...

I don´t like change per se, yet I like having changed or adapted to change that was brought into my life without my choice. "The only thing permanent is change," has been said. It is so true. To me that means, if we embrace change or at least learn how to cope with it well, we can have our stability back.

This approach has made it possible for myself, a stability-loving person, to leave the village I was born in and get a college education in Austria´s metropolis Vienna. Change was necessary again, when I moved to San Diego. Today I am happily married and get to follow my calling - helping people lead a fulfilled and meaningful life. Had I insisted on disliking change, none of this would have been possible. Here are some things that helped me adapt to change and - if not befriend it - at least get used to it and respect its potential.

Change takes time. Whenever I am stressed, I have little time, patience or energy for anything new. Efficiency is king. Unfortunately it takes time to get into something new, to make a new schedule, to learn how to use new products (e.g. cleaning products, computer software), to train a new employee. The time spent to upgrade is well worth it. I remember when I switched from a regular cell phone to a smart phone. At the beginning I was frustrated because making a plain call was less convenient; I did not want to be interrupted with my routine. Then I took some time just to play around with it and get acquainted with it. I had fun, learned a lot and I never looked back.

A good quality of life allows for new things, for unforeseen things, for time to "sit with it". The willingness to look at something with curiosity and to explore what that change means for us is a striking attitude that many successful, relaxed, level-headed people have embraced. We all can choose to be one of them. Some days it will work better than others, but ultimately it is our own choice what change means to us, not something from the outside. Because one thing is for sure, change will show up; over and over again. Now, I count on it! That´s where I find my beloved stability again.

Running Away From or Towards Something?

When the reflex to run kicks in, it is a real challenge to be honest with ourselves. Are we about to leave because we don´t want to deal with what is in front of us or is it because we are about to take a great opportunity in our life. One reason, why this is difficult to tell is that we often don´t know if what we are walking towards is going to pan out, if it is a true opportunity, or just wishful thinking. So how can we make the best choice about when to run (because we are on fire for something) or when to stay put (in order to once and for all deal with something)...

Three years after we bought our house, I began to get restless. It was the rhythm at which I would move in the past. I loved moving and realized I had to deal with this "wanderlust" now, since moving was not an option. Thinking about this subject, I had to admit that it was nice to stop moving on and that I could put that energy into my marriage and my business. In that respect, staying put was a blessing. But what about all the things I loved about moving? I learned to incorporate those characteristics in a different way into a more grounded life. I started to go through our home room by room and collected items for a garage sale. When moving, it would always come natural to leave things behind, to de-clutter. I also decided to investigate different neighborhoods in the city, just like I used to do when I would move to a new neighborhood. The thrill and fun were the same, plus I did not have to go home to a house full of boxes, wondering where my favorite book was that I wanted to re-read, or I  improvising making dinner because all my kitchen utensils were in place and ready to be used.

This experience taught me that being on the go is not always necessary. It also does take a toll on my energy level. But an even deeper insight was that my relationships were able to develop further, even with casual acquaintances, like neighbors, the dentist, grocery store staff and such. I found that part very satisfying and also somewhat scary, because it was new. 

Now, whenever faced with a decision whether to take a leap for something new, the question comes up that I got out of my experience about moving. "Am I running towards something great, or am I running away from something I just don´t want to deal with?" Because when moving every so often, I did not have to deal with certain things, knowing I was not going to be there for long. It is of highest benefit to find the answer to that question, before doing either. Whereas we want to grow in our life´s aspirations and goals, it is also important to free ourselves from patterns that keep catching up with us. 

One thing I learned throughout my several moves is that anything I hoped to leave behind, eventually showed up again in a new version. The challenge with a partying and up all night room mate from college reappeared as the noisy neighbors or the thundering omnipresent sounds from the close-by highway. Real freedom comes from figuring out how to take care of ourselves in such situations, like when noise is bothersome to us. There are tricks and processes to get to a happy place with it. Clearly, the goal cannot be to have zero noise from the environment. 

Honesty is the best approach when answering the question about running away or toward something. Also, pause is a powerful approach. When we sit still and ask ourselves what the running will get us, the answer will appear. The important aspect of that is that we are not looking for the ONE right answer. That would never be satisfying and a hopeless quest. We need to search for the answer that is the right one for US. We need to have strategies that we are backing up 100 per cent. Otherwise it is not the right thing to do. We will end up sabotaging ourselves, finding many excuses and only putting our energy in haphazardly, proofing our doubts and our reservations right. 

To summarize and answer the question am I running away or towards something:

Honesty - pause - our very OWN right answer - GO! Whatever direction that is, is the right one for you. May you always run excitedly towards something great or swiftly from something harmful.

An Ego is a "Busy Body"

We are quick to use the terms ego-centric, ego-maniac, ego-tistical or having a big/inflated ego. Some live by the life long goal of dissolving the ego. Others walk through life showing off their ego at any chance they get without a second thought. What is the right way to go?

Too much ego, maybe not enough? Hardly ever do we seem to be happy with the size or condition of our own ego. Or are we even aware of our own ego? It is easier to measure the size of other people´s egos.

What is the benefit of discussing the size of anyones ego? After years of talks about oversized-ego talks among friends, clients, journalists and psychologist colleagues, I am making a case for the ego and speak on its behalf (to my own surprise).

Freud coined the term Ego as an instance in our psyche (read my column about the Ego - good or bad in the Presidio Sentinel). According to him, it makes sure that the other two parts of the psyche (Super-Ego and ID) are "playing nice". In daily life it means that the ego is negotiating and balancing between morals and instinctive desires. To make the task even more difficult than finding the middle ground between two contradictory instances, the ego also has to negotiate these two positions with the given current reality, the reality we find ourselves in on a daily basis.

No wonder that the ego is not always doing the ideal job of being balanced, "enlightened" and that it employs defense mechanisms. These can be among several - well - getting defensive, or lying, denying, projecting or dissociating (checking out mentally). With all its flaws, the ego is the place, where we feel we are truly ourselves, who we are and who we are identifying ourselves with. It feels like the seat of our self. Even if we try to dissolve the ego in an attempt to get to the true self (which is more the advanced class on the ego).

For now, I vote for giving the ego a break, as well as other people´s egos. Usually, if annoyed by highly egotistical people, I remind myself that I have the ability to leave the scene, but they themselves have to endure that 24/7. When judging our own ego harshly, I suggest a deep breath, filled with gentle thoughts about our own motivation and a promise to do what it takes to remedy what an overachieving ego has just created. Humility does not hurt. Admitting that something did not turn out as intended does not hurt. On the contrary, it will get us on the good side of people, more than a hard push from an "ego-driven" motive ever will.

There Is an Animal Inside All of Us

In the continuation of Freud´s threefold model of the psyche - Super-Ego - Ego - ID - this is about the ID (read my Presidio Sentinel Column on it HERE). It is the part that gives us the will go on, to strive for more, want more, but also to want it NOW. How does all that fit under one hat? The answer is naturally, when we look at it as a development within mankind as well as in each individual.

Kids. Their perception of time is different from the one we have as adults. The blessed years before we understand the clock and also get close to being able to guess the length of an hour, is also the time when kids get very absorbed in their activities or at the same time can´t imagine to wait another 5 minutes for a treat and unravel at the mention of having to do just that. Getting desires met and fulfilled now, that´s all that counts. A child does not choose having healthy teeth in the long run over having candy now. It is similar with animals. They live on instincts, impulses and would rather not have to wait for anything.

Slowly, time can be "trained". The delay of gratification is getting easier and can be achieved for longer times. There are different ways to train and condition that, like Pavlov showed with his famous dog, bell and salivation experiment. It is important for the trained one (it works on animals as well as people) to understand the connection between stimulus (bell) and result (treat).

Whereas it is generally good if we can choose the "toy at the end of the week" over an instant small treat, sometimes it is good to rely on that "animal in us". It gets us out of worry-loops or unproductive questioning and undermining of our own decisions. "It is done!" says the ID and thinks nothing more of it, already off to new adventures. It is the wise thing to discern which things need the careful consideration and which don´t. Often we overthink things and lose energy and vitality, never allowing for little errors or decisions on a whim. So we got ourselves an ice cream cone on the first beautiful day of the year, despite of being on a diet. As long as this will not happen daily, or we are not diabetic or allergic to dairy, let´s enjoy it and move on.

The ID is our source of gut feelings and instincts. They are important for a vibrant and lively way to live. It is the balance of the ID, the Ego and the Super-Ego that matters. This balance can be found with awareness, therapy or coaching, if needed.

Super-Ego Today

In my April column of the Presidio Sentinel, I talk about the term that Sigmund Freud coined: the Super-Ego (click here to access). What it means for us in daily life when we "suffer" from an overbearing Super-Ego, you find below:

Feeling guilty quickly and often? Finding yourself blushing easily, trying to hide your true self? Being convinced that if others really knew you, they would not have anything to do with you AND feeling bad about it (the AND rules out any sociopathic tendencies)?

If the answer is yes to one or more, chances are your super-ego is having a tight grip on you. The role of the super-ego is ultimately to make any kind of culture and art possible. It holds communities and societies together and makes them possible. The super-ego tells us not to steal, lie, kill or betray.

I like to think of the budding super-ego when a child gets feedback about its behavior all day long. It is as simple as reward or punishment. Punishment can be from severe (bodily or emotional harm) to mild (not getting an expected reward) and anything in between. A reward can also be from big (say a trip to Disney Land) to small (not being punished) and anything in between. The child observes all of the given feedback all the time and learns from the combination of its own behavior and the response to it from the bonded person (most often the parent). That way the super-ego is starting to grow. This means that eventually, the parent (whoever does the punishing or rewarding) does not have to be present anymore for the child to act in order to get the reward. The process has been internalized and the super-ego has been born.

After years of this, by the time we are adults we have a thorough understanding of cultural and societal rules, of how to treat others and about morals and ethics. It is a part of us, it feels very familiar and safe. What we often don´t consider is that we also take on other characteristics from the bonded person via that channel. For example, if we have a shy and easily intimidated mother, we might perceive being shy and sort of passive as a value, something we are unconsciously striving for. Wanting to please our parents usually stays with us, even once the parents are deceased. All of that is happening without our awareness. Our world view is so familiar and dear to us that we don´t see it just like we don´t see the very air we breath.

Therapy or self-help books, coaching or heart-to-heart talks with friends can bring up questions about how and who we are, about how our super-ego has us act. This is a good opportunity to question what we want to keep and what we would like to change. Any of the learned behaviors and the underlying values can be re-examined and adjusted to be of more benefit to us today, to help us create a fulfilled and meaningful life.

More on How People Make Us Feel

I spent this morning tied up in e-mail correspondence with a person that is "known" for being pushy, without boundaries and insulting, if she does not get what what she wants. In an association of 4500 members, she is known among the office staff for said attributes. In my position of a volunteer chapter leader, I get to deal with the e-mails back and forth. Needless to say, my morning was not pleasant. So what is up with that?

Sometimes people are so eager to get what they want that they are unaware of how they behave. Personally, I think it is easy to be pleasant and have good manners, when everything goes our way. It is when we don´t get what we want that our character is being tested and our true colors show. I am not proud to think back at my temper tantrums that I had well into my 20ies! I felt easily attacked personally, without ever hearing that there was just one more step in order to get things right and to achieve my goal. I just wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it. I must have gotten away with it quite a lot, growing up. It is one of the disadvantages of being a pampered child - eventually we all have to grow up.

Well, nobody has to grow, but I find it so much more beneficial to myself and my life quality, as well as to my success. Thinking of that above mentioned person, I probably will not forget how I innocently got in the position of having to "defend" the club´s policy, how she lashed out and tried to offend me on a personal level, throwing names around and saying untrue things. I realize that I will be cautious in the future when coming across her ever again. I see how she is isolating herself with that behavior and feel for her. It can´t be easy to be like that. But at the end of the day it is not my place to say any of that back to her. I stay polite and firm. It is so true that honey goes so much farther than the whip. I believe that we are all the same in that respect. For me, we are all human and I expect to be treated well and do my best to treat others well, even if opinions and goals don´t match.

Acceptance of what is and listening to the other person, trying to understand where they are coming from and what they need, how I can help them, has brought me more rewards and closer to my own goals than any temper tantrum in the past ever has. It is like a well kept secret, but it makes sense at the same time. There is an Austrian saying for that which goes "You wash my hand, I wash your hand. That way we are both getting clean".

How People Make Us Feel

Relationships are very delicate processes. It is easier to disturb one than to strengthen one. However, if a disturbing incidence gets resolved well, it strengthens the bond. Tricky? Not really, just needing some attention and awareness. This is a simple basis to ensure walking hand in hand instead of walking on egg shells:

Think about who you like to hang out with. What are their attributes? I, for one, like people who make me laugh and are creative. Somehow I get funnier myself around people like that. That brings me to a phenomenon that I have come across: We are like the 5 people we spend the most time with. In that case, we better choose well, who to spend our time with.

Our admiration is a built in guarantee that the relationship goes well with people we admire. The one thing that it takes is that they, too, want to spend time with us. But even this is not the case with the first person we come across, it will eventually. That means, if I like to be with fun people, the first one that meets that criterium might not want to be with me, but I can continue my search and eventually achieve my goal. This is a simple principle leading to the goal when practiced consistently.

Sometimes we don´t notice how other people make us feel. We might not pay attention when we are always drained and feeling hopeless after meeting with a certain person. There are "energy vampires" out there, and they can be charming and reeling us in, without us noticing for quite a while. It is important to be vigilant about how people make us feel. There is a difference between a friend needing us in a difficult phase and a "friend" who is always talking about her-/himself and never interested in us. It is the "enough about me, now tell me what you think about me" kind of person, stay away from them.

When a difficult subject has to be approached with anyone, first think about what they are trying to communicate, to achieve. Then, if it is of value to you to resolve this well - and it always is, burning bridges is not a good strategy - make sure they feel good about the way you go about it. That feeling will determine their future way of treating you. A good method is the Oreo cookie method. First say something positive, pleasant, nice. Then say what you want to address, the rather difficult part. Then, finish with another layer of something positive. It makes even a tough topic bearable for both sides.

All of the above, I recommend to use while being authentic and true to your own personality. I promise, it goes together.

sabine.starr@yahoo.com