More on How People Make Us Feel

I spent this morning tied up in e-mail correspondence with a person that is "known" for being pushy, without boundaries and insulting, if she does not get what what she wants. In an association of 4500 members, she is known among the office staff for said attributes. In my position of a volunteer chapter leader, I get to deal with the e-mails back and forth. Needless to say, my morning was not pleasant. So what is up with that?

Sometimes people are so eager to get what they want that they are unaware of how they behave. Personally, I think it is easy to be pleasant and have good manners, when everything goes our way. It is when we don´t get what we want that our character is being tested and our true colors show. I am not proud to think back at my temper tantrums that I had well into my 20ies! I felt easily attacked personally, without ever hearing that there was just one more step in order to get things right and to achieve my goal. I just wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it. I must have gotten away with it quite a lot, growing up. It is one of the disadvantages of being a pampered child - eventually we all have to grow up.

Well, nobody has to grow, but I find it so much more beneficial to myself and my life quality, as well as to my success. Thinking of that above mentioned person, I probably will not forget how I innocently got in the position of having to "defend" the club´s policy, how she lashed out and tried to offend me on a personal level, throwing names around and saying untrue things. I realize that I will be cautious in the future when coming across her ever again. I see how she is isolating herself with that behavior and feel for her. It can´t be easy to be like that. But at the end of the day it is not my place to say any of that back to her. I stay polite and firm. It is so true that honey goes so much farther than the whip. I believe that we are all the same in that respect. For me, we are all human and I expect to be treated well and do my best to treat others well, even if opinions and goals don´t match.

Acceptance of what is and listening to the other person, trying to understand where they are coming from and what they need, how I can help them, has brought me more rewards and closer to my own goals than any temper tantrum in the past ever has. It is like a well kept secret, but it makes sense at the same time. There is an Austrian saying for that which goes "You wash my hand, I wash your hand. That way we are both getting clean".

How People Make Us Feel

Relationships are very delicate processes. It is easier to disturb one than to strengthen one. However, if a disturbing incidence gets resolved well, it strengthens the bond. Tricky? Not really, just needing some attention and awareness. This is a simple basis to ensure walking hand in hand instead of walking on egg shells:

Think about who you like to hang out with. What are their attributes? I, for one, like people who make me laugh and are creative. Somehow I get funnier myself around people like that. That brings me to a phenomenon that I have come across: We are like the 5 people we spend the most time with. In that case, we better choose well, who to spend our time with.

Our admiration is a built in guarantee that the relationship goes well with people we admire. The one thing that it takes is that they, too, want to spend time with us. But even this is not the case with the first person we come across, it will eventually. That means, if I like to be with fun people, the first one that meets that criterium might not want to be with me, but I can continue my search and eventually achieve my goal. This is a simple principle leading to the goal when practiced consistently.

Sometimes we don´t notice how other people make us feel. We might not pay attention when we are always drained and feeling hopeless after meeting with a certain person. There are "energy vampires" out there, and they can be charming and reeling us in, without us noticing for quite a while. It is important to be vigilant about how people make us feel. There is a difference between a friend needing us in a difficult phase and a "friend" who is always talking about her-/himself and never interested in us. It is the "enough about me, now tell me what you think about me" kind of person, stay away from them.

When a difficult subject has to be approached with anyone, first think about what they are trying to communicate, to achieve. Then, if it is of value to you to resolve this well - and it always is, burning bridges is not a good strategy - make sure they feel good about the way you go about it. That feeling will determine their future way of treating you. A good method is the Oreo cookie method. First say something positive, pleasant, nice. Then say what you want to address, the rather difficult part. Then, finish with another layer of something positive. It makes even a tough topic bearable for both sides.

All of the above, I recommend to use while being authentic and true to your own personality. I promise, it goes together.

sabine.starr@yahoo.com

Judging

You be the judge of that:

One thing that I believe we all fear is being judged; especially if it is by a person who is not thinking fondly of us. The chance that we get judged harshly or mis-judged seems high. There appears to be so much power in judging and so little in being judged. One day I realized that I was so afraid of being judged that I had started living in the "average zone" - the safe zone, where it was least likely to be judged, since not much of my behavior was showing any kind of character, opinion, conviction.

Not only was that a boring way for me to live life, I was also very unsatisfied, unfulfilled and started judging myself for it. One other effect of that behavior was that I started judging other people who did show their individual character, did stand up for their opinion and did stick to their conviction, all the while radiating and having fun. That was enough of a wake-up call for me. After all, I used to admire those kinds of people, getting inspired to do the same myself. That makes for a world full of authentic and nonjudgmental people, full of originality and energy.

Hardly ever is there a need for a judgement. What it does take is to have good boundaries and be able and willing to walk away from harmful or situations and people. It does take good observation skills and a strong decision power. All of these things we can acquire and practice. Focusing on what serves us gets us automatically away from negative behavior. After all, there is just not enough time in the day to focus on everything. Any minute that we spend with healthy and positive thoughts and behavior is a minute we can´t spend worrying, giving up, getting down on ourselves.

Any minute we don´t spend judging ourselves or others, we can spend getting closer to our goals, enjoying who we are today and enjoying the wonderful and supporting people in our lives. Once we let go of judging, we have a lot of spare time for all the beautiful things this life has to offer.

Here is to you going for it and enjoying it!