The Stability of Change

How to feel good and stable in an ever changing world? By finding stability in change itself...

I don´t like change per se, yet I like having changed or adapted to change that was brought into my life without my choice. "The only thing permanent is change," has been said. It is so true. To me that means, if we embrace change or at least learn how to cope with it well, we can have our stability back.

This approach has made it possible for myself, a stability-loving person, to leave the village I was born in and get a college education in Austria´s metropolis Vienna. Change was necessary again, when I moved to San Diego. Today I am happily married and get to follow my calling - helping people lead a fulfilled and meaningful life. Had I insisted on disliking change, none of this would have been possible. Here are some things that helped me adapt to change and - if not befriend it - at least get used to it and respect its potential.

Change takes time. Whenever I am stressed, I have little time, patience or energy for anything new. Efficiency is king. Unfortunately it takes time to get into something new, to make a new schedule, to learn how to use new products (e.g. cleaning products, computer software), to train a new employee. The time spent to upgrade is well worth it. I remember when I switched from a regular cell phone to a smart phone. At the beginning I was frustrated because making a plain call was less convenient; I did not want to be interrupted with my routine. Then I took some time just to play around with it and get acquainted with it. I had fun, learned a lot and I never looked back.

A good quality of life allows for new things, for unforeseen things, for time to "sit with it". The willingness to look at something with curiosity and to explore what that change means for us is a striking attitude that many successful, relaxed, level-headed people have embraced. We all can choose to be one of them. Some days it will work better than others, but ultimately it is our own choice what change means to us, not something from the outside. Because one thing is for sure, change will show up; over and over again. Now, I count on it! That´s where I find my beloved stability again.

Running Away From or Towards Something?

When the reflex to run kicks in, it is a real challenge to be honest with ourselves. Are we about to leave because we don´t want to deal with what is in front of us or is it because we are about to take a great opportunity in our life. One reason, why this is difficult to tell is that we often don´t know if what we are walking towards is going to pan out, if it is a true opportunity, or just wishful thinking. So how can we make the best choice about when to run (because we are on fire for something) or when to stay put (in order to once and for all deal with something)...

Three years after we bought our house, I began to get restless. It was the rhythm at which I would move in the past. I loved moving and realized I had to deal with this "wanderlust" now, since moving was not an option. Thinking about this subject, I had to admit that it was nice to stop moving on and that I could put that energy into my marriage and my business. In that respect, staying put was a blessing. But what about all the things I loved about moving? I learned to incorporate those characteristics in a different way into a more grounded life. I started to go through our home room by room and collected items for a garage sale. When moving, it would always come natural to leave things behind, to de-clutter. I also decided to investigate different neighborhoods in the city, just like I used to do when I would move to a new neighborhood. The thrill and fun were the same, plus I did not have to go home to a house full of boxes, wondering where my favorite book was that I wanted to re-read, or I  improvising making dinner because all my kitchen utensils were in place and ready to be used.

This experience taught me that being on the go is not always necessary. It also does take a toll on my energy level. But an even deeper insight was that my relationships were able to develop further, even with casual acquaintances, like neighbors, the dentist, grocery store staff and such. I found that part very satisfying and also somewhat scary, because it was new. 

Now, whenever faced with a decision whether to take a leap for something new, the question comes up that I got out of my experience about moving. "Am I running towards something great, or am I running away from something I just don´t want to deal with?" Because when moving every so often, I did not have to deal with certain things, knowing I was not going to be there for long. It is of highest benefit to find the answer to that question, before doing either. Whereas we want to grow in our life´s aspirations and goals, it is also important to free ourselves from patterns that keep catching up with us. 

One thing I learned throughout my several moves is that anything I hoped to leave behind, eventually showed up again in a new version. The challenge with a partying and up all night room mate from college reappeared as the noisy neighbors or the thundering omnipresent sounds from the close-by highway. Real freedom comes from figuring out how to take care of ourselves in such situations, like when noise is bothersome to us. There are tricks and processes to get to a happy place with it. Clearly, the goal cannot be to have zero noise from the environment. 

Honesty is the best approach when answering the question about running away or toward something. Also, pause is a powerful approach. When we sit still and ask ourselves what the running will get us, the answer will appear. The important aspect of that is that we are not looking for the ONE right answer. That would never be satisfying and a hopeless quest. We need to search for the answer that is the right one for US. We need to have strategies that we are backing up 100 per cent. Otherwise it is not the right thing to do. We will end up sabotaging ourselves, finding many excuses and only putting our energy in haphazardly, proofing our doubts and our reservations right. 

To summarize and answer the question am I running away or towards something:

Honesty - pause - our very OWN right answer - GO! Whatever direction that is, is the right one for you. May you always run excitedly towards something great or swiftly from something harmful.

An Ego is a "Busy Body"

We are quick to use the terms ego-centric, ego-maniac, ego-tistical or having a big/inflated ego. Some live by the life long goal of dissolving the ego. Others walk through life showing off their ego at any chance they get without a second thought. What is the right way to go?

Too much ego, maybe not enough? Hardly ever do we seem to be happy with the size or condition of our own ego. Or are we even aware of our own ego? It is easier to measure the size of other people´s egos.

What is the benefit of discussing the size of anyones ego? After years of talks about oversized-ego talks among friends, clients, journalists and psychologist colleagues, I am making a case for the ego and speak on its behalf (to my own surprise).

Freud coined the term Ego as an instance in our psyche (read my column about the Ego - good or bad in the Presidio Sentinel). According to him, it makes sure that the other two parts of the psyche (Super-Ego and ID) are "playing nice". In daily life it means that the ego is negotiating and balancing between morals and instinctive desires. To make the task even more difficult than finding the middle ground between two contradictory instances, the ego also has to negotiate these two positions with the given current reality, the reality we find ourselves in on a daily basis.

No wonder that the ego is not always doing the ideal job of being balanced, "enlightened" and that it employs defense mechanisms. These can be among several - well - getting defensive, or lying, denying, projecting or dissociating (checking out mentally). With all its flaws, the ego is the place, where we feel we are truly ourselves, who we are and who we are identifying ourselves with. It feels like the seat of our self. Even if we try to dissolve the ego in an attempt to get to the true self (which is more the advanced class on the ego).

For now, I vote for giving the ego a break, as well as other people´s egos. Usually, if annoyed by highly egotistical people, I remind myself that I have the ability to leave the scene, but they themselves have to endure that 24/7. When judging our own ego harshly, I suggest a deep breath, filled with gentle thoughts about our own motivation and a promise to do what it takes to remedy what an overachieving ego has just created. Humility does not hurt. Admitting that something did not turn out as intended does not hurt. On the contrary, it will get us on the good side of people, more than a hard push from an "ego-driven" motive ever will.